I think the hardest part of this is I feel as though I have no right to complain, or express my discomfort. Whenever I open up about my situation I either get pity in return, or judgement. Either people pity me because the baby daddy didn't stay and own up to his responsibility, or people judge me for making poor choices and being stupid about sex. I desire nor deserve either of these reactions. I left the baby daddy because I was young when I met him and did not know how to identify red flags in time, but once I did, I took the correct course of action and did what was best for my daughter.
All I'm saying is people make these snap judgments without even trying to understand first. And if I attempt to vent my stresses to anyone no one really know's what to say because no one can relate. Or if they can on any level, I think it's easier on them to pass judgement then to get involved with my situation.
Here are just a few of the snap-judgments I have come in contact with;
Explaining the relationship between the baby daddy and myself (and how we weren't planning on getting married)
When I was pregnant I found myself having to explain to many people why I was pregnant and not married, some of these people I found rude for asking because I did not know who the hell they were. They were just asking because they were nosey and really wanted to make me feel bad. My explanation was something along the lines of; "Well, we are young and think it would do more harm than good to get married right now until we are older and know each other better."
This always sparked a series of appalled expressions on people's faces. One woman even said "Well, that says a lot about you", as she scrunched her face up and turned away from me in disgust.
But here's the deal, I made the right decision. Getting married due to an accidental pregnancy is archaic. The last thing I wanted coming out of an already scary situation was to end up like Drew Barrymore's character in Riding in Cars with Boys. Which I am certain would have been my life had I married him, simply because he was not the person I thought him to be pre-pregnancy. Also had I married him, an inevitable divorce/custody battle would have eventually ensued, reaping all kinds of havoc on my daughters life. Not marrying him made everything simpler, and saved myself and my daughter a ton of heart ache.
Being told I have to stay single until my daughter is 18.Uh... Excuse me? I have to do what? I am in my early twenties, but I have to stay single until I am almost 40, and for what purpose exactly? Look, I know dating as a single mom can be a major bummer, and dating a single parent can't be easy either, but it is totally doable as long as the situation is approached correctly. Expecting me to not date again for 18 years is just rude. Just because I had a child out of wedlock (gasp) does not mean I don't deserve my own chance at honest to goodness love. So I had a shitty ex and I have a kid, who hasn't had a shitty ex, and who doesn't have baggage of some sort? As long as I'm not expecting anything more than a relationship out of the guys I date, I don't see the issue.
It should also be mentioned that I don't introduce my daughter to guys I date, and I probably will only introduce my daughter to a guy I date if they propose or I know they are going to propose. Other than that, it isn't necessary and is not in the best interest of my daughter.
Besides, the guys that are okay with dating a single mom are the best guys out there. They are the guys that understand that no one is perfect, and know how to treat a woman right.
Acquaintances and distant family members (I only see once or twice a year) thinking it is their place to ask when the last time I have heard from the baby daddy, or the last time I've received child support.Out of all the encountered judgment I have received, this one is probably the one that gets under my skin the absolute most. Okay, so not only are my private affairs none of anyone's business, but you think it is socially acceptable to ask me about them at the annual family Christmas party for all to hear the answer too. Not only does this question and the forum in which it was asked disrespectful to me, but maybe I don't like to have my past mistakes shoved in my face or put on display every time I get together with my family. I have moved past that period of my life, and I honestly don't view it as a mistake. I love my daughter, and I have a full and happy life with her. I am a happy mommy, and she is the smartest and happiest 5 year old I have ever met. I don't see how it's a mistake, and I don't like it when people insinuate that my daughter is one.
My business with the baby-daddy is my business and unless I openly share it with you, don't fucking ask. I refuse to be a source of gossip for your sad little lives.
You have a kid? Why did you do that?It was all apart of my master plan, don't you see? Next I'm going to develop a milk intolerance and take over Spain.
Why didn't you just get an abortion?Seriously, why are you asking that. My daughter is 5 years old, but you're going to ask why I didn't get an abortion? Does it make any difference now? No! Just shut up.
I have nothing against woman that felt they needed to get an abortion, that is their decision and it's totally their business. I simply felt like I couldn't do that for personal reasons only. I shouldn't be asked that question when I need to vent about how my daughter spilled the milk this morning when getting herself cereal. I am a mom, I vent about mom things, and I vent about single mom things. I AM HUMAN. I need someone to listen to me when I explain how draining it can be. But it's just venting, I don't want to explain my political or moral viewpoints when I am venting over spilled milk!
I could go on and on all day, but those are the few that really stand out. Being a single mom is no picnic, but the fact of the matter is I love my daughter, and if given the choice to go back and change things, I couldn't. I love my life, but my life would be much more enjoyable if people could be a little more open minded and keep their ignorant thoughts on my life to themselves. The judgement you make about me, or any other single parent, speaks more to your character than it does about mine.
