I was brought up Christian by my mom, and baptized Christian. However, I was also brought up Mormon by my dad, and baptized Mormon. Ah, just another perk from coming from a broken house hold. When I was young, I took both religions very seriously, learned the Gospel for my mom, and the scriptures for my dad. I was both a proud Mormon, and a proud Christian.
I remember one Sunday at my moms Church, I was about 11, they were giving away pamphlets that depicted Jesus hanging on the cross with glowing red demonic eyes. The title of this pamphlet was "Mormon's believe in an evil Jesus", or something to that affect. My mom was very against my dad bringing my sister and I up Mormon, while she was fighting to bring us up Christian. My dad didn't care either way, as long as we got a strong religious upbringing he was happy. He just happened to always attend Mormon churches. He never pushed it on us, and he certainly never bashed Christianity. I have actually never heard a Mormon claim that other religions version of Jesus was satanic. But I digress.
It was shortly after happening upon this pamphlet that I really began to dislike my mom's church. I also found that studying Mormon Scripture was driving a wedge between my mother and I so I also began to dislike my dad's church. When I entered high school I suppose I was mostly an Atheist, for lack of a better word. I did not believe in God, how could I? But at the same time I felt guilty for not believing in God because I had always known he was a divine presence in my life.
This is to say, I was incredibly confused.
Confused about Religion, God, life, death, the beginning of everything, the end of everything, nothing to me made sense anymore. My entire childhood felt like a lie, and I've blamed religion for making me feel this way. I realized in my early twenties that it was not God I did not believe in, but Religion. And not just any religion, but Christianity, their churches, and all the phonies that attended. The phonies that would sing their "Jesus Rock Ballads" and how God is an awesome God, and close their eyes, and raise their hands as if experiencing some great gift of love from God and wanting to show everyone how passionately they love God. They look more like a hippie on an acid trip, but that's just my honest opinion.
I used to refer to these types as "Commercial Christian" they used flashy manipulations to shove their beliefs down people's throat, for example: Kirk Cameron is one such Christian.
My logic always showed me that a religion that preached God's unconditional love, yet bashed other religions in the process in the name of that God is no God I could ever worship. A religion that preached that all were with sin, yet all perfect in God's eyes, and did not accept major minorities into their lives based off of one line, in one passage, in one book written over 4000 years ago, is not the type of God I would want to spend an eternity with. (Yes, I was talking about gay marriage).
At this point in my independent search for a righteous path to the lord, I kind of realized that I was probably going to hell.
I no longer could, physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually accept this God as my savior because I disagreed with him on pretty much every fundamental issue. At least, I disagreed with my Mom's God on these issues.
When I was twenty I read a book, I would have to dig it up to know what it was called, but the general idea was that the Bible is no longer the true word of God. Through thousands of years it has been rewritten, mistranslated, books have been added and omitted at the whim of whoever was ruling at the time, and transformed to fit modern ideals throughout the ages. Not to mention many parts of the new testament was written by word of mouth over several, several years. At least according to this book. My logic is, knowing how absolutely flawed human beings can be at the telephone game, convinces me that maybe the Bible does not accurately depict the true God, but the mask humanity has given him throughout the ages.
This new found realization inspired me to seek out the true God to find out if it was the type of God I could believe in and possibly even spend eternity with. In my quest I found several philosophies that expanded my mind, and both simplified and made my goal more complex. One such belief that I should specifically note here is Deism. The belief that God gave man reason and wanted man to use that reason. It is through logic, reason, and observation of the natural world that God's existence can be proven. Many Deists also believe that God does not interfere in the lives of mortals, he simply created the universe and stepped away from it. Many of the founding fathers of the United States were Deists.
I very much liked Deism, and for the longest time it was what I identified as religiously. It's the only philosophy out there that explained to me why we were here, yet still suffered so immensely on this Earth. However, a part of me was still confused.
I have since been introduced to Buddhism and am now studying and learning the 8 fold path and the beliefs. Buddhism certainly aligns with my accepting nature and fulfills my desire to know what becomes of us when we die, but obviously there is not much mention of God. Only the none-self.
I have read that many Christians supplement their Bible study with the teachings of the Buddha, for despite popular belief, Buddha is not a God people worship, just a man they see as a teacher. (Sounds familiar, but he's not white so he must be the devil). The Buddha had some great teachings, and is kind of like a how to guide on not being miserable on Earth. Instead of praying about it you look inward and cope through accepting the impermanence of things. When it comes down to it only you have the ability not to suffer, no God can help you there.
My conclusion in this reflection, and my search for the true God thus far has led me to believe that I don't have any idea what I actually believe. I do believe he does exist, but definitely not in the Commercial Christian sense. The only thing I know for sure is that I have to try to be a good person, do no harm, take no shit type of person, and I get the feeling that my God would not hate or punish me for not knowing all the answers. My God loves that I try to understand with my God given ability to reason and be conscious.
And as far as church attendance goes, in the words of the Avett Brothers " Me and my god don't need a middle man".
Happy Easter everyone.
