You see, what happens is... it's at this point that I find someone that I could possibly see myself with and then whatever part of my brain it is that thinks irrationally seems to hit the panic button. All my self doubts and anxiety seem to surface. A million self defeating thoughts run through my mind. I begin questioning my level of attractiveness, my weight, my ability to eat in front of someone else, even my skill at talking to the opposite sex in a romantic setting. It has been three years since I've put myself out there and was with anyone. What if I just cannot be that person anymore?
What if I am just not that interested in dating because I have unconsciously found that being single suits me better? My experiences with relationships have been pretty awful thus far. From clearly being a rebound but not having enough self respect to admit it, to being with someone who chose drugs over me, to someone that was more obsessed with sticking it to his ex wife that he moved on than he cared about me - it's clear my relationships have never once felt fulfilling and healthy. I never want to be in a relationship that asks me to be less than myself, and I have never found that. Even more, I have never been in a relationship where I felt I was treated how I deserved to be.
Because of all my negative feelings and experiences associated with relationships it's no wonder why I wouldn't want to put myself in that kind of situation again.
All of this yet there are moments when the loneliness is unbearable. So what's a girl to do in a situation like mine?
I guess I'll have to mull this over.
