Can’t wait to be over this sickness. I need to get my butt in gear asap. I’m in in my senior year of college and I’m running out of time to get all my stuff in order. I have been struggling with depression lately and I am really trying to stay interested in my life and it’s just not happening. I think my stress levels are too high that it some how blew an emotional fuse in my brain and now I’m left with an unmotivated, lethargic outlook on life.
Inching near the end of college, it feels as if I am face to face with the rest of my life, and I am afraid that in 25 years I’ll regret everything. I fear the reason I am so reluctant to face my responsibilities is because I know deep down that I am getting a degree in a field that I really don’t want to be in. But at the same time I have no choice but to get a degree in something I can live off of so I am no longer a burden on those around me. My life is so out of my control I can’t stand it. You know when you’re a teenager and you think being an adult means you will have all the freedom you could ever want. Well, I’ve never felt so trapped as I do now.
I had so many dreams when I was younger. I wanted to travel the world and go all “Eat, Pray, Love” on everyone. I wanted to find myself, and I have yet to get that chance, I really don’t know when I will be able to get that chance. Or if it will ever come at all. What if I spend my whole life waiting for the right moment to go off and find myself I end up wasting my entire life being unhappy.
I guess that’s why I started this blog. I am so desperate to figure myself out and explain to myself why I am so miserable all the time. Every time I have tried to be myself I have been shut down, and reprimanded. I’ve never even been in a relationship in which I was loved for me, just an imitation of another girl. Which probably explains why I cannot date. I emotionally or maybe it’s psychological, whichever it is but I have been uninterested in finding someone to be in a relationship with for over 3 years now. I am not an ugly lady, so it’s either my personality which with my level of social awkwardness might be the case. Or it’s something deeper. Everyone I have attempted to get close to in my entire life has ended up being a colossus let down. Maybe I’m just picking the wrong people to open up to.. But whatever the reason is for all of this, it’s what I intend to find out. I am a mess and I am going to heal myself here because therapy is too expensive.
