On Taking Risks

“I’m a Zen Buddhist if I would describe myself. I don’t think about what I do. I do it. That’s Buddhism. I jump off the cliff and build my wings on the way down.” - Ray Bradbury 

Ray Bradbury is one of my favorite people, and his quote from his 90th birthday only justifies why I feel this way. I have been studying Buddhism since I took an Asian Traditions philosophy class a couple of years ago. This quote right here clarifies the points of my practice I have been struggling with.
I don't know about anyone else, but I over think things until my anxiety convinces me I shouldn't do anything at all. I think that's why Buddhism is so difficult for people living a modern life style. If involves trusting yourself completely to the point of being able to know what to do when you come to something difficult. Situations I've encountered have been intimidating, but it's when I turn my mind off and just do, I find the end result wasn't so bad after all.
Our society is so reactive to situations, but Buddhism is experiencing these situations and all they have to offer. The good and the bad, because impermanence is a mark of existence so we should treasure our experiences while they last, for it is when these experiences end, so shall we.
Buddhists believe there are five aggregates of life that are impermanent. What we sense is impermanent, what we perceive, what we think, and what we make are all impermanent. I guess it is how we spend our time as a finite creature that matters. We can either live a complicated, and sorrow filled existence before we disintegrate amongst the stars OR we can take chances, leap of the cliff and build our wings on the way down. It does not matter if we crash and burn, it matters that we try. This is to say, nothing is more unfulfilling than standing on top of the cliff wanting to jump but never actually doing it. If we understand the impermanence of life, and furthermore, accept impermanence of life, we may be more likely to make that leap.
We need to go after what we desire, take chances, and don't think about it, just do. Nothing could come from it or everything could. I read a quote once, I can't remember who from, but it pretty much said " Don't be afraid to so "Hi" to a person, they could ignore you, or they could marry you, that in itself is worth the risk". I'm paraphrasing of coarse, but you get the idea.

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Shy

I am going to be brutally honest.  I am a shy coward when it comes to connecting with other people.  Specifically when connecting with potential love interests. Even in the realm of online dating.  I spend the majority of my time scrolling through faces I simply cannot force myself to be attracted to, even if they are particularly good looking. Then, for no good reason at all, I come to a face I find attractive. These faces are no better or worse then the rest, but for some reason I start to form a crush. But do I do what any normal person would do and message them to see if my intuition is correct? Of coarse not! That would be an outrageous concept! No,  I simply keep rounding back to their profile all forlorn and dumb like.  What does it say about me that I am so shy that I panic talking to a guy I've never met -- ONLINE!
You see, what happens is... it's at this point that I find someone that I could possibly see myself with and then whatever part of my brain it is that thinks irrationally seems to hit the panic button. All my self doubts and anxiety seem to surface. A million self defeating thoughts run through my mind. I begin questioning my level of attractiveness, my weight, my ability to eat in front of someone else, even my skill at talking to the opposite sex in a romantic setting. It has been three years since I've put myself out there and was with anyone. What if I just cannot be that person anymore?
What if I am just not that interested in dating because I have unconsciously found that being single suits me better? My experiences with relationships have been pretty awful thus far. From clearly being a rebound but not having enough self respect to admit it, to being with someone who chose drugs over me, to someone that was more obsessed with sticking it to his ex wife that he moved on than he cared about me - it's clear my relationships have never once felt fulfilling and healthy. I never want to be in a relationship that asks me to be less than myself, and I have never found that. Even more, I have never been in a relationship where I felt I was treated how I deserved to be.
Because of all my negative feelings and experiences associated with relationships it's no wonder why I wouldn't want to put myself in that kind of situation again.
All of this yet there are moments when the loneliness is unbearable. So what's a girl to do in a situation like mine?
I guess I'll have to mull this over.

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Fragmented

Sometimes, when I’m miles away, it’s all I can do to not feel dejected. I’m longing for that mold I can fit perfectly in. That mold that I fill and my sides don’t droop over the edges, bursting out the seams. Looking for shoes to fill, or a shell to occupy, it’s just not happening. Trying to find the space in which I can exist and be recognized naked. Most of the time my thoughts are lost in the abyss between my mouth and your soul. My fragmented and fractured life, I am attempting to fit the pieces together, even though I can see the holes in the picture from here. Even when I recognize the soul in you, I recede. Living for so long on the wrong side of things have rendered my speech incoherent and my intentions disregarded. You’ve fractured me further, but for once I callused. Pieces of me that have been plucked away have helped me get a better glimpse. I thought I had lost my identity forever. I will not bow, or grovel, or shake. My unwillingness to be stepped on only motivates my skin to fit tighter, and everyone witnesses my discomfort. I’ve stumbled and fell through the holes in my life, somehow I ended up here, disoriented and lacking. I wanted to measure up, and be recognized in your line of sight. I wanted, but never wanted to try.

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Lesson in self love through The Mindy Project and Yoga.

I was watching the Mindy Project this morning and I have to say, it was the best episode yet. Pretty much it was an episode about how Mindy is gaining weight due to her pregnancy and how its made her feel ugly and unloved by her boyfriend. She then seeks the help of a coworker who refers Mindy to her beautician cousin. The cousin asks Mindy to look in the mirror and tell her what she see’s. Mindy replies that the woman she see’s in the mirror is fat and ugly. The cousin ask’s Mindy if she would say that to her best friend. Mindy replied “no” of coarse. Who would say something so hurtful to their best friend?! The cousin states that that is exactly who you are, your own best friend.

Deep shit.

I think this approach is the key to discovering love and respect for oneself. When I hate on myself over my appearance, or anything else, I am in fact disrespecting myself and not showing myself love, respect, kindness, or compassion. I started doing yoga a few months ago and one lesson I have learned is that I can only do what my body is capable of, and I have to accept and embrace myself for it with the knowledge that, with patience, I will be able to accomplish the poses I want to.

We all need to start treating ourselves like we are our own best friend, and we need to show ourselves respect. This is the beginning to the long road to truly loving ourselves. With patience and compassion towards ourselves, we will accomplish our goal.

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Project: Self Love - What Other's Think Of Me

Am I the only one who types something clever or funny or helpful in reply to a post and then deletes it in crippling fear that it might be taken the wrong way, or that person may think I’m stupid? I do all the time, which is another reason I have decided to take an extended hiatus from facebook and most of my friends. And I think I stumbled across something important here. I care too damn much about what people think about me. I spend so much time worrying about how other people perceive me I have no time to think about how I might be perceiving myself. I spend so much of my energy attempting to be someone everyone will, at the very least, not hate. In the mean time I have kind of lost who I really am, and lost my voice. So obviously this could be a seriously step in my goal of learning to love myself. How can I ever expect anyone to love me for who I am if I don’t love myself or even know myself really. Part of this discovery needs to start with the extent to which I care how people see me.
I mean, this is a serious issue for me. I constantly worry about saying something and being laughed at or being called stupid. I never want to appear stupid to people and it seems like it happens all too often,
So how do I stop caring what others think of me? I mean, I know it’s important to care to a degree. I don’t want to do something that hurts people, or offends people, but past that, how do I stop giving a shit?
After asking that question I took a short break to google it, because the internet is my mom, and according to the vastness that is google I am incredibly self centered.
So basically I have to realize that nobody gives a damn like I do. I am my harshest critic and most people don’t think about me nearly as much as I do. Knowing this, I think I can chillax a bit when it comes to how I think other people see me. I always think in the worst case scenario and the fact of the matter is, people probably aren’t thinking of me at all. Even if I do something super embarrassing, people aren't going to pick up on it to the extent that I do. Everyone views the world through their own ego, therefor only things that matter to them they see.
Even if they do think negatively about me, the fact of the matter is that not everyone is going to be happy with me. I can’t please everyone and that is just a fact of life. I shouldn't want to please everyone either. What is everyone doing for me?
I think the cure for this is good old fashion “stepping outside of my comfort zone”. I need to try new things, or at the very least try for something. I need to stop hiding behind my insecurities. I am using my anxiety as a crutch, an excuse to not try at all.
At the end of the day you need to care about people, not what they think of you. If you genuinely care for people, they will like you. And if not, that is their business, not yours. This needs to be my new mantra. So this is my new goal. To live each and everyday by stretching my limits. Inch my inch, and soon I’ll be somewhere new and exciting.

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Personal Therapy

You know, making a vow to resist the urge to check facebook would have been a whole lot more successful if I had made it during a week I wasn’t forced to stay home sick. That’s okay though, I have been somewhat successful thanks to Netflix and Gossip Girl (don’t judge until you’ve given it a chance), and lots of chamomile tea.
Can’t wait to be over this sickness. I need to get my butt in gear asap. I’m in in my senior year of college and I’m running out of time to get all my stuff in order. I have been struggling with depression lately and I am really trying to stay interested in my life and it’s just not happening. I think my stress levels are too high that it some how blew an emotional fuse in my brain and now I’m left with an unmotivated, lethargic outlook on life.
Inching near the end of college, it feels as if I am face to face with the rest of my life, and I am afraid that in 25 years I’ll regret everything. I fear the reason I am so reluctant to face my responsibilities is because I know deep down that I am getting a degree in a field that I really don’t want to be in.  But at the same time I have no choice but to get a degree in something I can live off of so I am no longer a burden on those around me. My life is so out of my control I can’t stand it. You know when you’re a teenager and you think being an adult means you will have all the freedom you could ever want. Well, I’ve never felt so trapped as I do now.
I had so many dreams when I was younger. I wanted to travel the world and go all “Eat, Pray, Love” on everyone. I wanted to find myself, and I have yet to get that chance, I really don’t know when I will be able to get that chance. Or if it will ever come at all. What if I spend my whole life waiting for the right moment to go off and find myself I end up wasting my entire life being unhappy.
I guess that’s why I started this blog. I am so desperate to figure myself out and explain to myself why I am so miserable all the time. Every time I have tried to be myself I have been shut down, and reprimanded. I’ve never even been in a relationship in which I was loved for me, just an imitation of another girl. Which probably explains why I cannot date. I emotionally or maybe it’s psychological, whichever it is but I have been uninterested in finding someone to be in a relationship with for over 3 years now. I am not an ugly lady, so it’s either my personality which with my level of social awkwardness might be the case. Or it’s something deeper. Everyone I have attempted to get close to in my entire life has ended up being a colossus let down. Maybe I’m just picking the wrong people to open up to.. But whatever the reason is for all of this, it’s what I intend to find out. I am a mess and I am going to heal myself here because therapy is too expensive.

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