I'm going to die alone...

A couple of weeks ago I reactivated my OKcupid account because I realized I'm 25 and have not been out on a date in 3 years. I was determined this time to meet someone and go out on at least one date a month with a new guy. The issue lies in the fact that I always forget how terrible the guys are on these stupid websites. One guy even blocked me simply because I did not respond to him fast enough. You see, we exchanged messages a couple of times, it was going okay, then I went and made dinner. In that time period he messaged me, I read it but did not have the opportunity to respond, so about 20 minutes later he replied, calling me spoiled, rude, bitch, etc, and blocked me.
This is not the first time this has happened either. Not to sound conceited, because I'm pretty sure the majority of woman on these dating sites have this problem, but I get a lot of messages. I simply do not have the time management skills to hold a conversation with each person that messages me. It's overwhelming, and before I know it I stop responding to anyone unless I find them attractive, but it's at this point that I lost track of all my conversations I was actually interested in. So I deleted my account...again... because this is what happens every fucking time and I am going to die alone.
I am 25 years old for Christ sake, I don't know when I am going to meet someone, or how, because I'm just not around a ton of single guys ever. And the ones I am don't even look at me. I'm not a bad looking girl, I feel quite pretty the majority of the time. I'm a bit overweight but I wouldn't say I'm fat. Just not super thin. I think I just get so shy around everyone. And when I meet a guy I'm interested in I know I automatically give off the "not interested" signal. I don't know why I just do. I just don't think they would like me if they got to know me because of my single mother situation thing.
I am so frustrated with the entire dating thing that I feel like crying and feeling sorry for myself. Going to bed with a bottle of wine and netflix seems so much more appealing then going out on a date. The last guy I dated was just so stressful, and so not worth the hassle. I think the last guy I dated turned me off dating more than the "sperm donor" did. And that's pretty sad.
I'll probably reactivate my account again as I am already regretting deactivating it, but the people on there might notice that I already deleted and started a new account once already this month... I am such a loser!!! I think I just don't see myself meeting my true love online.. I've dreamed about it since I was little and okcupid was never a scenario.. I just feel stupid, fat, and alone. I am turning into Bridgette Jones, but since my life is not a movie, instead of becoming Mrs. Darcy, I will become the insane cat lady.

It's so quite in my house right now, I can't tell if the beeping I hear is something or I'm going crazy.. < proof I am the insane cat lady + one dog (who just farted...)

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Shy

I am going to be brutally honest.  I am a shy coward when it comes to connecting with other people.  Specifically when connecting with potential love interests. Even in the realm of online dating.  I spend the majority of my time scrolling through faces I simply cannot force myself to be attracted to, even if they are particularly good looking. Then, for no good reason at all, I come to a face I find attractive. These faces are no better or worse then the rest, but for some reason I start to form a crush. But do I do what any normal person would do and message them to see if my intuition is correct? Of coarse not! That would be an outrageous concept! No,  I simply keep rounding back to their profile all forlorn and dumb like.  What does it say about me that I am so shy that I panic talking to a guy I've never met -- ONLINE!
You see, what happens is... it's at this point that I find someone that I could possibly see myself with and then whatever part of my brain it is that thinks irrationally seems to hit the panic button. All my self doubts and anxiety seem to surface. A million self defeating thoughts run through my mind. I begin questioning my level of attractiveness, my weight, my ability to eat in front of someone else, even my skill at talking to the opposite sex in a romantic setting. It has been three years since I've put myself out there and was with anyone. What if I just cannot be that person anymore?
What if I am just not that interested in dating because I have unconsciously found that being single suits me better? My experiences with relationships have been pretty awful thus far. From clearly being a rebound but not having enough self respect to admit it, to being with someone who chose drugs over me, to someone that was more obsessed with sticking it to his ex wife that he moved on than he cared about me - it's clear my relationships have never once felt fulfilling and healthy. I never want to be in a relationship that asks me to be less than myself, and I have never found that. Even more, I have never been in a relationship where I felt I was treated how I deserved to be.
Because of all my negative feelings and experiences associated with relationships it's no wonder why I wouldn't want to put myself in that kind of situation again.
All of this yet there are moments when the loneliness is unbearable. So what's a girl to do in a situation like mine?
I guess I'll have to mull this over.

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