My misery stemmed from seeing myself as less than those I cared about. As an effect, I allowed them to treat me as less. It hurt me that they would treat me as less when given the opportunity, but they could not be held accountable for they did not know the inner turmoil their actions caused me. Rather still, they did not know the inner turmoil I allowed their actions to cause me. This all boils down to the fact that I did not speak up for myself when I felt wronged. I never brought awareness to the way situations effect me, I just stewed in silence. This act became detrimental and even destroyed a friendship. Neither of us brought our feelings to the attention of the other, therefor we both felt wronged without realizing we had wronged the other.
I remember once I was hanging out at a bar with an old friend. One thing that had always bothered me about this friend is how she was always texting on her phone when we hung out. This would Send the message that there were more important people for her to talk to then have a conversation with me. While at this bar I visited the restroom. It was there I overhead a drunken conversation between two young woman. Very nonchalantly without any emotion or ultimatums attached to it, one of the girls told the other, "If you want to continue to hangout with me you can't be on your phone the entire time". That was it, very "matter-of-factly" as if that was just the way it was. Those were her boundaries and self-respecting law of friendship, "If you have people you think are more important to talk to than me while I devote time to you, then go talk to them and don't insult me by devaluing my company". I remember how impressed I was by her honesty and self respect, and due to it I cut my evening with my old friend short; knowing full well I would never have the guts to stand up for myself like the girl in the bathroom did. I think that's why self-respect is so hard, it does take courage because it involves calling other people out on their lack of awareness to your feelings. It can also involve running the risk of your feelings being identified as illogical, or worse, paranoid. In regard to myself, I always avoid bringing up the stuff people do that bother me because I fear of seeming "too difficult" of a friend to have around. I fear that If I bring my issues to light I will be left alone. But this is why self-respect and self-love is a courageous act. It involves loving and respecting yourself more than the fear of being alone, which doesn't have to be scary at all. If someone "honest to goodness" cares about you, they wont see your feelings as a burden.
Opening up the lines of communication can go a long way in healing yourself and your relationships. True friendships are grown from mutual understanding on how the other person needs to be treated. Everyone has past pain, and everyone has boundaries that they will not tolerate being disregarded. In order for a friendship or relationship to work it is important to identify your boundaries and make them known to the other person. Then you must respect those boundaries. It's when someone blatantly disregards those boundaries you know that perhaps that relationship was not healthy, and maybe even toxic. Before you know for sure though, you must make those boundaries known.
