What I need vs. what I want.

I've been thinking very hard of getting in touch with the friend that stopped talking to me, then I realized that I didn't do anything wrong and it's not that I'm not talking to her, for I would without a second thought, but it's her that has not said a single thing to me since early January. In the time that I have not heard from her I've been dealing with a lot of shit that I could have really used a good friend for. AKA the death of my uncle, and the stress caused by the uncertainty of if I needed to move or not.

So now I'm thinking "fuck her". Seriously, how the fuck old are we? She even blocked me from seeing her facebook feed. Which baffled me. She would rather block me from her life then message or call me and hash out whatever the fuck issue she has with me. Avoidant much? I thought about talking to her, but I am really unsure if I even want someone so fucking immature and apathetic towards me in my life. She has proven over and over again that the friendship I offer her holds no value, nor does she care about me as a person.

It just sucks, you know. Putting so much effort and trust into a friendship, only to watch it slip away without any good reason. It's kind of terrible.

What's even worse is how foolish I feel for feeling this way, her friendship really meant a lot, and the fact that I could be so disregarded hurts. Yet, she's probably laughing about it. I understand that's her defense mechanism, but fuck, go talk to a shrink. You showed you didn't care first. And I just can't participate in these childish games anymore. This is my life, and being close to people is hard for me. I can't let anyone stand in the way of my happiness.

I've been disregarded as worthless by so many people in my life. I'm tired of feeling and being treated that way. I'm really working on finding the value in myself, but it's so hard when no one else has been able to find any.

I feel like a catatonic blob, sitting, motionless in time. Taking up space. Like a tumor. I have no use, I just suck the life out of those around me. So they all just stay a way. I'm incredibly unstable right now, on the balance beam between what I need and what I want. I'm tired of leaning on people to keep me up right. It's scary though, to let go. To let myself fall. I guess I'm still learning to trust myself enough, to know that I can build my wings on the way down... if it's called for. This dull, aching, constant pain of feeling unworthy is monotonous and boring. I'm reading to feel something new. I'm ready to juggle. I'm reading to rip down the barrier, and deal with the aftermath.

I may not know what I'm doing, but if I sit here stagnate any longer I'm going to fall apart. I'm loosing air, I need to give myself room to breath.