5 Judgement's I Encounter as a Single Mom

I am a single mom, and have been one since I was 20. I had only 2 years of adulthood before becoming a parent. I catch myself, more often then I care to admit, looking back at those 2 years in want, in need, and in envy. This is not to say that I don't treasure my daughter, but sometimes it's all I can do to keep it together. 5 years later, and I have only 2 real years of my adult self to identify with. Learning to be an adult, while also learning to be a parent is not only a difficult role but a conflicting one.
I think the hardest part of this is I feel as though I have no right to complain, or express my discomfort. Whenever I open up about my situation I either get pity in return, or judgement. Either people pity me because the baby daddy didn't stay and own up to his responsibility, or people judge me for making poor choices and being stupid about sex. I desire nor deserve either of these reactions. I left the baby daddy because I was young when I met him and did not know how to identify red flags in time, but once I did, I took the correct course of action and did what was best for my daughter.
All I'm saying is people make these snap judgments without even trying to understand first. And if I attempt to vent my stresses to anyone no one really know's what to say because no one can relate. Or if they can on any level, I think it's easier on them to pass judgement then to get involved with my situation.

Here are just a few of the snap-judgments I have come in contact with;

Explaining the relationship between the baby daddy and myself (and how we weren't planning on getting married)
When I was pregnant I found myself having to explain to many people why I was pregnant and not married, some of these people I found rude for asking because I did not know who the hell they were. They were just asking because they were nosey and really wanted to make me feel bad. My explanation was something along the lines of; "Well, we are young and think it would do more harm than good to get married right now until we are older and know each other better."
This always sparked a series of appalled expressions on people's faces. One woman even said "Well, that says a lot about you", as she scrunched her face up and turned away from me in disgust.

But here's the deal, I made the right decision. Getting married due to an accidental pregnancy is archaic. The last thing I wanted coming out of an already scary situation was to end up like Drew Barrymore's character in Riding in Cars with Boys. Which I am certain would have been my life had I married him, simply because he was not the person I thought him to be pre-pregnancy. Also had I married him, an inevitable divorce/custody battle would have eventually ensued, reaping all kinds of havoc on my daughters life. Not marrying him made everything simpler, and saved myself and my daughter a ton of heart ache.

Being told I have to stay single until my daughter is 18.Uh... Excuse me? I have to do what? I am in my early twenties, but I have to stay single until I am almost 40, and for what purpose exactly? Look, I know dating as a single mom can be a major bummer, and dating a single parent can't be easy either, but it is totally doable as long as the situation is approached correctly. Expecting me to not date again for 18 years is just rude. Just because I had a child out of wedlock (gasp) does not mean I don't deserve my own chance at honest to goodness love. So I had a shitty ex and I have a kid, who hasn't had a shitty ex, and who doesn't have baggage of some sort? As long as I'm not expecting anything more than a relationship out of the guys I date, I don't see the issue.

It should also be mentioned that I don't introduce my daughter to guys I date, and I probably will only introduce my daughter to a guy I date if they propose or I know they are going to propose. Other than that, it isn't necessary and is not in the best interest of my daughter.

Besides, the guys that are okay with dating a single mom are the best guys out there. They are the guys that understand that no one is perfect, and know how to treat a woman right.

Acquaintances and distant family members (I only see once or twice a year) thinking it is their place to ask when the last time I have heard from the baby daddy, or the last time I've received child support.Out of all the encountered judgment I have received, this one is probably the one that gets under my skin the absolute most. Okay, so not only are my private affairs none of anyone's business, but you think it is socially acceptable to ask me about them at the annual family Christmas party for all to hear the answer too. Not only does this question and the forum in which it was asked disrespectful to me, but maybe I don't like to have my past mistakes shoved in my face or put on display every time I get together with my family. I have moved past that period of my life, and I honestly don't view it as a mistake. I love my daughter, and I have a full and happy life with her. I am a happy mommy, and she is the smartest and happiest 5 year old I have ever met. I don't see how it's a mistake, and I don't like it when people insinuate that my daughter is one.
My business with the baby-daddy is my business and unless I openly share it with you, don't fucking ask. I refuse to be a source of gossip for your sad little lives.

You have a kid? Why did you do that?It was all apart of my master plan, don't you see? Next I'm going to develop a milk intolerance and take over Spain.

Why didn't you just get an abortion?Seriously, why are you asking that. My daughter is 5 years old, but you're going to ask why I didn't get an abortion? Does it make any difference now? No! Just shut up.
I have nothing against woman that felt they needed to get an abortion, that is their decision and it's totally their business. I simply felt like I couldn't do that for personal reasons only. I shouldn't be asked that question when I need to vent about how my daughter spilled the milk this morning when getting herself cereal. I am a mom, I vent about mom things, and I vent about single mom things. I AM HUMAN. I need someone to listen to me when I explain how draining it can be. But it's just venting, I don't want to explain my political or moral viewpoints when I am venting over spilled milk!

I could go on and on all day, but those are the few that really stand out. Being a single mom is no picnic, but the fact of the matter is I love my daughter, and if given the choice to go back and change things, I couldn't. I love my life, but my life would be much more enjoyable if people could be a little more open minded and keep their ignorant thoughts on my life to themselves. The judgement you make about me, or any other single parent, speaks more to your character than it does about mine.

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On The Importance Of Boundaries

I've attempted to identify, as of late, the possible reasons for my misery. Bhuddhist philosphy teaches to always put others first, and as a follower of this philosophy I am here to admit that I have misinterpreted the meaning. For far too long I have believed I must allow everyone to walk all over me without complaint. I have realized recently, this does not mean put others "above me" for that would give the impression that I value them more then myself. Instead I  should place others in front of me, as equals. I just let them go first because I care about them in a fundamental way.

My misery stemmed from seeing myself as less than those I cared about. As an effect, I allowed them to treat me as less. It hurt me that they would treat me as less when given the opportunity, but they could not be held accountable for they did not know the inner turmoil their actions caused me. Rather still, they did not know the inner turmoil I allowed their actions to cause me. This all boils down to the fact that I did not speak up for myself when I felt wronged. I never brought awareness to the way situations effect me, I just stewed in silence. This act became detrimental and even destroyed a friendship. Neither of us brought our feelings to the attention of the other, therefor we both felt wronged without realizing we had wronged the other.

I remember once I was hanging out at a bar with an old friend. One thing that had always bothered me about this friend is how she was always texting on her phone when we hung out. This would Send the message that there were more important people for her to talk to then have a conversation with me. While at this bar I visited the restroom. It was there I overhead a drunken conversation between two young woman. Very nonchalantly without any emotion or ultimatums attached to it, one of the girls told the other, "If you want to continue to hangout with me you can't be on your phone the entire time". That was it, very "matter-of-factly" as if that was just the way it was. Those were her boundaries and self-respecting law of friendship, "If you have people you think are more important to talk to than me while I devote time to you, then go talk to them and don't insult me by devaluing my company". I remember how impressed I was by her honesty and self respect, and due to it I cut my evening with my old friend short; knowing full well I would never have the guts to stand up for myself like the girl in the bathroom did. I think that's why self-respect is so hard, it does take courage because it involves calling other people out on their lack of awareness to your feelings. It can also involve running the risk of your feelings being identified as illogical, or worse, paranoid. In regard to myself, I always avoid bringing up the stuff people do that bother me because I fear of seeming "too difficult" of a friend to have around. I fear that If I bring my issues to light I will be left alone. But this is why self-respect and self-love is a courageous act. It involves loving and respecting yourself more than the fear of being alone, which doesn't have to be scary at all. If someone "honest to goodness" cares about you, they wont see your feelings as a burden.

Opening up the lines of communication can go a long way in healing yourself and your relationships. True friendships are grown from mutual understanding on how the other person needs to be treated. Everyone has past pain, and everyone has boundaries that they will not tolerate being disregarded. In order for a friendship or relationship to work it is important to identify your boundaries and make them known to the other person. Then you must respect those boundaries. It's when someone blatantly disregards those boundaries you know that perhaps that relationship was not healthy, and maybe even toxic. Before you know for sure though, you must make those boundaries known.

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The Complicated Futility of Ignorance

I've felt this way, sometimes still.

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I Don't Understand

Everyone is on the defensive. We live in a world where you speak your mind and are condemned to horrors that no longer phase you.

I don't understand, this overwhelming reality I never asked to live in, constructed by those that knew not what they were doing. I live in a world where a voice will not be heard with out dollars flowing from the mouth and VIP's at each side. A world where the statistically challenged are met with adversity, and compassion is an ideal saved for Buddhists in another world, for we are too developed. A world in which the only perception is down past the nose of those we each stand over. A world where we are all the same but we can only identify our differences. Addicted to emotions that feed our fire, and burns out our souls.
I don't understand, this overwhelming reality in which we all can expect the same outcome. This reality that scrapes at the minds of the clean, diminishing the light from our eyes as we attempt to understand. Death is not enough to unite and weave our perception into a napkin, never mind a scarf.
We sit in traffic, we inconvenience, and fuck with these faceless entities, for they are all the enemies. We no longer perceive people, only walking machines, we can put a dime in and see if we get our money's worth. Those that attempt to expand and stretch the minds get battered and torn. Ignorance is a desired quality the weak don't possess. The baseline is defensive, in a perpetual state of defending the petty. If you can't see the privileged the concept does not exist. Stepping out from behind the pillars of our fractured lives is a request baffling to the ear. People would rather die surrendering their perceptions than admitting to possibility.
I don't understand this overwhelming reality in which we sit in traffic. Rushing and blaming at 150 mph, threatening everyone in our path, for how dare they ask you to glance out another window. Entities rolling around in zig-zagged circles - right of the cliff.

No clearer image could be darkened by decay,
but we'll play the defensive any way.
Let's light the night on fire since it argues with the day.

I beg the question, for I don't understand, is this world really logical and the best we can do?

I don't understand this absurdism standing in our way.

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What I need vs. what I want.

I've been thinking very hard of getting in touch with the friend that stopped talking to me, then I realized that I didn't do anything wrong and it's not that I'm not talking to her, for I would without a second thought, but it's her that has not said a single thing to me since early January. In the time that I have not heard from her I've been dealing with a lot of shit that I could have really used a good friend for. AKA the death of my uncle, and the stress caused by the uncertainty of if I needed to move or not.

So now I'm thinking "fuck her". Seriously, how the fuck old are we? She even blocked me from seeing her facebook feed. Which baffled me. She would rather block me from her life then message or call me and hash out whatever the fuck issue she has with me. Avoidant much? I thought about talking to her, but I am really unsure if I even want someone so fucking immature and apathetic towards me in my life. She has proven over and over again that the friendship I offer her holds no value, nor does she care about me as a person.

It just sucks, you know. Putting so much effort and trust into a friendship, only to watch it slip away without any good reason. It's kind of terrible.

What's even worse is how foolish I feel for feeling this way, her friendship really meant a lot, and the fact that I could be so disregarded hurts. Yet, she's probably laughing about it. I understand that's her defense mechanism, but fuck, go talk to a shrink. You showed you didn't care first. And I just can't participate in these childish games anymore. This is my life, and being close to people is hard for me. I can't let anyone stand in the way of my happiness.

I've been disregarded as worthless by so many people in my life. I'm tired of feeling and being treated that way. I'm really working on finding the value in myself, but it's so hard when no one else has been able to find any.

I feel like a catatonic blob, sitting, motionless in time. Taking up space. Like a tumor. I have no use, I just suck the life out of those around me. So they all just stay a way. I'm incredibly unstable right now, on the balance beam between what I need and what I want. I'm tired of leaning on people to keep me up right. It's scary though, to let go. To let myself fall. I guess I'm still learning to trust myself enough, to know that I can build my wings on the way down... if it's called for. This dull, aching, constant pain of feeling unworthy is monotonous and boring. I'm reading to feel something new. I'm ready to juggle. I'm reading to rip down the barrier, and deal with the aftermath.

I may not know what I'm doing, but if I sit here stagnate any longer I'm going to fall apart. I'm loosing air, I need to give myself room to breath.

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I'm going to die alone...

A couple of weeks ago I reactivated my OKcupid account because I realized I'm 25 and have not been out on a date in 3 years. I was determined this time to meet someone and go out on at least one date a month with a new guy. The issue lies in the fact that I always forget how terrible the guys are on these stupid websites. One guy even blocked me simply because I did not respond to him fast enough. You see, we exchanged messages a couple of times, it was going okay, then I went and made dinner. In that time period he messaged me, I read it but did not have the opportunity to respond, so about 20 minutes later he replied, calling me spoiled, rude, bitch, etc, and blocked me.
This is not the first time this has happened either. Not to sound conceited, because I'm pretty sure the majority of woman on these dating sites have this problem, but I get a lot of messages. I simply do not have the time management skills to hold a conversation with each person that messages me. It's overwhelming, and before I know it I stop responding to anyone unless I find them attractive, but it's at this point that I lost track of all my conversations I was actually interested in. So I deleted my account...again... because this is what happens every fucking time and I am going to die alone.
I am 25 years old for Christ sake, I don't know when I am going to meet someone, or how, because I'm just not around a ton of single guys ever. And the ones I am don't even look at me. I'm not a bad looking girl, I feel quite pretty the majority of the time. I'm a bit overweight but I wouldn't say I'm fat. Just not super thin. I think I just get so shy around everyone. And when I meet a guy I'm interested in I know I automatically give off the "not interested" signal. I don't know why I just do. I just don't think they would like me if they got to know me because of my single mother situation thing.
I am so frustrated with the entire dating thing that I feel like crying and feeling sorry for myself. Going to bed with a bottle of wine and netflix seems so much more appealing then going out on a date. The last guy I dated was just so stressful, and so not worth the hassle. I think the last guy I dated turned me off dating more than the "sperm donor" did. And that's pretty sad.
I'll probably reactivate my account again as I am already regretting deactivating it, but the people on there might notice that I already deleted and started a new account once already this month... I am such a loser!!! I think I just don't see myself meeting my true love online.. I've dreamed about it since I was little and okcupid was never a scenario.. I just feel stupid, fat, and alone. I am turning into Bridgette Jones, but since my life is not a movie, instead of becoming Mrs. Darcy, I will become the insane cat lady.

It's so quite in my house right now, I can't tell if the beeping I hear is something or I'm going crazy.. < proof I am the insane cat lady + one dog (who just farted...)

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Why I hate Religion: my search for a true God.

Since tomorrow is Easter, and the majority of my family would say that Easter is important because it is the day Jesus rose from death, I wanted to take this time to reflect on what religion and god or whatever means to me. I don't think it's a secret from my family that I have struggled with religion for many years, mostly by hating it.
I was brought up Christian by my mom, and baptized Christian. However, I was also brought up Mormon by my dad, and baptized Mormon. Ah, just another perk from coming from a broken house hold. When I was young, I took both religions very seriously, learned the Gospel for my mom, and the scriptures for my dad. I was both a proud Mormon, and a proud Christian.
I remember one Sunday at my moms Church, I was about 11, they were giving away pamphlets that depicted Jesus hanging on the cross with glowing red demonic eyes. The title of this pamphlet was "Mormon's believe in an evil Jesus", or something to that affect. My mom was very against my dad bringing my sister and I up Mormon, while she was fighting to bring us up Christian. My dad didn't care either way, as long as we got a strong religious upbringing he was happy. He just happened to always attend Mormon churches. He never pushed it on us, and he certainly never bashed Christianity. I have actually never heard a Mormon claim that other religions version of Jesus was satanic. But I digress.
It was shortly after happening upon this pamphlet that I really began to dislike my mom's church. I also found that studying Mormon Scripture was driving a wedge between my mother and I so I also began to dislike my dad's church. When I entered high school I suppose I was mostly an Atheist, for lack of a better word. I did not believe in God, how could I? But at the same time I felt guilty for not believing in God because I had always known he was a divine presence in my life.
This is to say, I was incredibly confused.
Confused about Religion, God, life, death, the beginning of everything, the end of everything, nothing to me made sense anymore. My entire childhood felt like a lie, and I've blamed religion for making me feel this way. I realized in my early twenties that it was not God I did not believe in, but Religion. And not just any religion, but Christianity, their churches, and all the phonies that attended. The phonies that would sing their "Jesus Rock Ballads" and how God is an awesome God, and close their eyes, and raise their hands as if experiencing some great gift of love from God and wanting to show everyone how passionately they love God. They look more like a hippie on an acid trip, but that's just my honest opinion.
I used to refer to these types as "Commercial Christian" they used flashy manipulations to shove their beliefs down people's throat, for example: Kirk Cameron is one such Christian.
My logic always showed me that a religion that preached God's unconditional love, yet bashed other religions in the process in the name of that God is no God I could ever worship. A religion that preached that all were with sin, yet all perfect in God's eyes, and did not accept major minorities into their lives based off of one line, in one passage, in one book written over 4000 years ago, is not the type of God I would want to spend an eternity with. (Yes, I was talking about gay marriage).

At this point in my independent search for a righteous path to the lord, I kind of realized that I was probably going to hell.

I no longer could, physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually accept this God as my savior because I disagreed with him on pretty much every fundamental issue. At least, I disagreed with my Mom's God on these issues.
When I was twenty I read a book, I would have to dig it up to know what it was called, but the general idea was that the Bible is no longer the true word of God. Through thousands of years it has been rewritten, mistranslated, books have been added and omitted at the whim of whoever was ruling at the time, and transformed to fit modern ideals throughout the ages. Not to mention many parts of the new testament was written by word of mouth over several, several years. At least according to this book. My logic is, knowing how absolutely flawed human beings can be at the telephone game, convinces me that maybe the Bible does not accurately depict the true God, but the mask humanity has given him throughout the ages.
This new found realization inspired me to seek out the true God to find out if it was the type of God I could believe in and possibly even spend eternity with. In my quest I found several philosophies that expanded my mind, and both simplified and made my goal more complex. One such belief that I should specifically note here is Deism. The belief that God gave man reason and wanted man to use that reason. It is through logic, reason, and observation of the natural world that God's existence can be proven. Many Deists also believe that God does not interfere in the lives of mortals, he simply created the universe and stepped away from it. Many of the founding fathers of the United States were Deists.
I very much liked Deism, and for the longest time it was what I identified as religiously. It's the only philosophy out there that explained to me why we were here, yet still suffered so immensely on this Earth. However, a part of me was still confused.
I have since been introduced to Buddhism and am now studying and learning the 8 fold path and the beliefs. Buddhism certainly aligns with my accepting nature and fulfills my desire to know what becomes of us when we die, but obviously there is not much mention of God. Only the none-self.
I have read that many Christians supplement their Bible study with the teachings of the Buddha, for despite popular belief, Buddha is not a God people worship, just a man they see as a teacher. (Sounds familiar, but he's not white so he must be the devil). The Buddha had some great teachings, and is kind of like a how to guide on not being miserable on Earth. Instead of praying about it you look inward and cope through accepting the impermanence of things. When it comes down to it only you have the ability not to suffer, no God can help you there.

My conclusion in this reflection, and my search for the true God thus far has led me to believe that I don't have any idea what I actually believe. I do believe he does exist, but definitely not in the Commercial Christian sense. The only thing I know for sure is that I have to try to be a good person, do no harm, take no shit type of person, and I get the feeling that my God would not hate or punish me for not knowing all the answers. My God loves that I try to understand with my God given ability to reason and be conscious.

And as far as church attendance goes, in the words of the Avett Brothers " Me and my god don't need a middle man".

Happy Easter everyone.

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Words mean nothing anymore.

At the beginning of the year my best friend stopped talking to me over something petty and insignificant. It made me realize how shitty people were. Specifically how shitty the majority of my friends have treated me since about the age of 17. The people I considered to be good friends of mine stopped talking to me after I became pregnant, and the one's since turned in to terrible people. I have come to the realization that maybe I've brought this on myself for choosing shitty friends. You see, I have already lacked respect and love for myself and in effect, have always chose people that also lacked respect and love for me. They could fake how they care for me, they would say how much they cared for me quite often in order to manipulate me into believing it. I have come to believe that words mean absolutely nothing in any type of relationship. Someone could be pulling the trigger while telling you they love you. It doesn't mean anything if they are going to shoot.
I once thought one of my greatest qualities is that I could always find the greatness in someone, no matter how fucked up they were. Now I see how dangerous of a thing that is. It's willingly getting close to someone that is reckless and would have zero regard for your feelings. I can't do that anymore. I'm tired of being treated with zero regard. I'm tired of being seen as someone a person can hurt for fun.
I often wondered if I was just the type of person no one really gave a second thought to. Now I think that there are just selfish people out there that don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves, and therefor treat everyone like they are disposable. I shouldn't have to put forth some grand gesture of self sacrifice in order to be regarded as indispensable. If that's what someone requires in order for a friendship to work, that explains that the problem is with them instead of you. I could never ask that of someone. To inconvenience themselves for me, or to sacrifice an ounce of their self worth. Friends should always be convenient, and should always be respected. No one should have the right to get mad at someone for not wanting to inconvenience themselves for you.
I'm not going to lie, I have become a bit of a hermit lately. But being alone is decidedly better than loosing pieces of yourself to those who don't deserve it, From now on, I am only going to associate myself with friends of action, not friends of words.

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On Taking Risks

“I’m a Zen Buddhist if I would describe myself. I don’t think about what I do. I do it. That’s Buddhism. I jump off the cliff and build my wings on the way down.” - Ray Bradbury 

Ray Bradbury is one of my favorite people, and his quote from his 90th birthday only justifies why I feel this way. I have been studying Buddhism since I took an Asian Traditions philosophy class a couple of years ago. This quote right here clarifies the points of my practice I have been struggling with.
I don't know about anyone else, but I over think things until my anxiety convinces me I shouldn't do anything at all. I think that's why Buddhism is so difficult for people living a modern life style. If involves trusting yourself completely to the point of being able to know what to do when you come to something difficult. Situations I've encountered have been intimidating, but it's when I turn my mind off and just do, I find the end result wasn't so bad after all.
Our society is so reactive to situations, but Buddhism is experiencing these situations and all they have to offer. The good and the bad, because impermanence is a mark of existence so we should treasure our experiences while they last, for it is when these experiences end, so shall we.
Buddhists believe there are five aggregates of life that are impermanent. What we sense is impermanent, what we perceive, what we think, and what we make are all impermanent. I guess it is how we spend our time as a finite creature that matters. We can either live a complicated, and sorrow filled existence before we disintegrate amongst the stars OR we can take chances, leap of the cliff and build our wings on the way down. It does not matter if we crash and burn, it matters that we try. This is to say, nothing is more unfulfilling than standing on top of the cliff wanting to jump but never actually doing it. If we understand the impermanence of life, and furthermore, accept impermanence of life, we may be more likely to make that leap.
We need to go after what we desire, take chances, and don't think about it, just do. Nothing could come from it or everything could. I read a quote once, I can't remember who from, but it pretty much said " Don't be afraid to so "Hi" to a person, they could ignore you, or they could marry you, that in itself is worth the risk". I'm paraphrasing of coarse, but you get the idea.

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Shy

I am going to be brutally honest.  I am a shy coward when it comes to connecting with other people.  Specifically when connecting with potential love interests. Even in the realm of online dating.  I spend the majority of my time scrolling through faces I simply cannot force myself to be attracted to, even if they are particularly good looking. Then, for no good reason at all, I come to a face I find attractive. These faces are no better or worse then the rest, but for some reason I start to form a crush. But do I do what any normal person would do and message them to see if my intuition is correct? Of coarse not! That would be an outrageous concept! No,  I simply keep rounding back to their profile all forlorn and dumb like.  What does it say about me that I am so shy that I panic talking to a guy I've never met -- ONLINE!
You see, what happens is... it's at this point that I find someone that I could possibly see myself with and then whatever part of my brain it is that thinks irrationally seems to hit the panic button. All my self doubts and anxiety seem to surface. A million self defeating thoughts run through my mind. I begin questioning my level of attractiveness, my weight, my ability to eat in front of someone else, even my skill at talking to the opposite sex in a romantic setting. It has been three years since I've put myself out there and was with anyone. What if I just cannot be that person anymore?
What if I am just not that interested in dating because I have unconsciously found that being single suits me better? My experiences with relationships have been pretty awful thus far. From clearly being a rebound but not having enough self respect to admit it, to being with someone who chose drugs over me, to someone that was more obsessed with sticking it to his ex wife that he moved on than he cared about me - it's clear my relationships have never once felt fulfilling and healthy. I never want to be in a relationship that asks me to be less than myself, and I have never found that. Even more, I have never been in a relationship where I felt I was treated how I deserved to be.
Because of all my negative feelings and experiences associated with relationships it's no wonder why I wouldn't want to put myself in that kind of situation again.
All of this yet there are moments when the loneliness is unbearable. So what's a girl to do in a situation like mine?
I guess I'll have to mull this over.

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Fragmented

Sometimes, when I’m miles away, it’s all I can do to not feel dejected. I’m longing for that mold I can fit perfectly in. That mold that I fill and my sides don’t droop over the edges, bursting out the seams. Looking for shoes to fill, or a shell to occupy, it’s just not happening. Trying to find the space in which I can exist and be recognized naked. Most of the time my thoughts are lost in the abyss between my mouth and your soul. My fragmented and fractured life, I am attempting to fit the pieces together, even though I can see the holes in the picture from here. Even when I recognize the soul in you, I recede. Living for so long on the wrong side of things have rendered my speech incoherent and my intentions disregarded. You’ve fractured me further, but for once I callused. Pieces of me that have been plucked away have helped me get a better glimpse. I thought I had lost my identity forever. I will not bow, or grovel, or shake. My unwillingness to be stepped on only motivates my skin to fit tighter, and everyone witnesses my discomfort. I’ve stumbled and fell through the holes in my life, somehow I ended up here, disoriented and lacking. I wanted to measure up, and be recognized in your line of sight. I wanted, but never wanted to try.

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Lesson in self love through The Mindy Project and Yoga.

I was watching the Mindy Project this morning and I have to say, it was the best episode yet. Pretty much it was an episode about how Mindy is gaining weight due to her pregnancy and how its made her feel ugly and unloved by her boyfriend. She then seeks the help of a coworker who refers Mindy to her beautician cousin. The cousin asks Mindy to look in the mirror and tell her what she see’s. Mindy replies that the woman she see’s in the mirror is fat and ugly. The cousin ask’s Mindy if she would say that to her best friend. Mindy replied “no” of coarse. Who would say something so hurtful to their best friend?! The cousin states that that is exactly who you are, your own best friend.

Deep shit.

I think this approach is the key to discovering love and respect for oneself. When I hate on myself over my appearance, or anything else, I am in fact disrespecting myself and not showing myself love, respect, kindness, or compassion. I started doing yoga a few months ago and one lesson I have learned is that I can only do what my body is capable of, and I have to accept and embrace myself for it with the knowledge that, with patience, I will be able to accomplish the poses I want to.

We all need to start treating ourselves like we are our own best friend, and we need to show ourselves respect. This is the beginning to the long road to truly loving ourselves. With patience and compassion towards ourselves, we will accomplish our goal.

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Project: Self Love - What Other's Think Of Me

Am I the only one who types something clever or funny or helpful in reply to a post and then deletes it in crippling fear that it might be taken the wrong way, or that person may think I’m stupid? I do all the time, which is another reason I have decided to take an extended hiatus from facebook and most of my friends. And I think I stumbled across something important here. I care too damn much about what people think about me. I spend so much time worrying about how other people perceive me I have no time to think about how I might be perceiving myself. I spend so much of my energy attempting to be someone everyone will, at the very least, not hate. In the mean time I have kind of lost who I really am, and lost my voice. So obviously this could be a seriously step in my goal of learning to love myself. How can I ever expect anyone to love me for who I am if I don’t love myself or even know myself really. Part of this discovery needs to start with the extent to which I care how people see me.
I mean, this is a serious issue for me. I constantly worry about saying something and being laughed at or being called stupid. I never want to appear stupid to people and it seems like it happens all too often,
So how do I stop caring what others think of me? I mean, I know it’s important to care to a degree. I don’t want to do something that hurts people, or offends people, but past that, how do I stop giving a shit?
After asking that question I took a short break to google it, because the internet is my mom, and according to the vastness that is google I am incredibly self centered.
So basically I have to realize that nobody gives a damn like I do. I am my harshest critic and most people don’t think about me nearly as much as I do. Knowing this, I think I can chillax a bit when it comes to how I think other people see me. I always think in the worst case scenario and the fact of the matter is, people probably aren’t thinking of me at all. Even if I do something super embarrassing, people aren't going to pick up on it to the extent that I do. Everyone views the world through their own ego, therefor only things that matter to them they see.
Even if they do think negatively about me, the fact of the matter is that not everyone is going to be happy with me. I can’t please everyone and that is just a fact of life. I shouldn't want to please everyone either. What is everyone doing for me?
I think the cure for this is good old fashion “stepping outside of my comfort zone”. I need to try new things, or at the very least try for something. I need to stop hiding behind my insecurities. I am using my anxiety as a crutch, an excuse to not try at all.
At the end of the day you need to care about people, not what they think of you. If you genuinely care for people, they will like you. And if not, that is their business, not yours. This needs to be my new mantra. So this is my new goal. To live each and everyday by stretching my limits. Inch my inch, and soon I’ll be somewhere new and exciting.

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Personal Therapy

You know, making a vow to resist the urge to check facebook would have been a whole lot more successful if I had made it during a week I wasn’t forced to stay home sick. That’s okay though, I have been somewhat successful thanks to Netflix and Gossip Girl (don’t judge until you’ve given it a chance), and lots of chamomile tea.
Can’t wait to be over this sickness. I need to get my butt in gear asap. I’m in in my senior year of college and I’m running out of time to get all my stuff in order. I have been struggling with depression lately and I am really trying to stay interested in my life and it’s just not happening. I think my stress levels are too high that it some how blew an emotional fuse in my brain and now I’m left with an unmotivated, lethargic outlook on life.
Inching near the end of college, it feels as if I am face to face with the rest of my life, and I am afraid that in 25 years I’ll regret everything. I fear the reason I am so reluctant to face my responsibilities is because I know deep down that I am getting a degree in a field that I really don’t want to be in.  But at the same time I have no choice but to get a degree in something I can live off of so I am no longer a burden on those around me. My life is so out of my control I can’t stand it. You know when you’re a teenager and you think being an adult means you will have all the freedom you could ever want. Well, I’ve never felt so trapped as I do now.
I had so many dreams when I was younger. I wanted to travel the world and go all “Eat, Pray, Love” on everyone. I wanted to find myself, and I have yet to get that chance, I really don’t know when I will be able to get that chance. Or if it will ever come at all. What if I spend my whole life waiting for the right moment to go off and find myself I end up wasting my entire life being unhappy.
I guess that’s why I started this blog. I am so desperate to figure myself out and explain to myself why I am so miserable all the time. Every time I have tried to be myself I have been shut down, and reprimanded. I’ve never even been in a relationship in which I was loved for me, just an imitation of another girl. Which probably explains why I cannot date. I emotionally or maybe it’s psychological, whichever it is but I have been uninterested in finding someone to be in a relationship with for over 3 years now. I am not an ugly lady, so it’s either my personality which with my level of social awkwardness might be the case. Or it’s something deeper. Everyone I have attempted to get close to in my entire life has ended up being a colossus let down. Maybe I’m just picking the wrong people to open up to.. But whatever the reason is for all of this, it’s what I intend to find out. I am a mess and I am going to heal myself here because therapy is too expensive.

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